My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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