did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
