??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
