I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
