No awkward lesbian experiences without me
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
