i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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