We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
