with your own penis?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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