update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
