yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
