I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
