I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
