My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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