Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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