I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
