How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
