Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
