I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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