Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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