I just made out with a guy for $7.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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