I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I need to calm my uterus...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize