Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
