I wish my penis had an off switch
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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