I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
