today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize