to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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