alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
