i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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