He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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