i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
