Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
