I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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