i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
