Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize