like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
