He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
