You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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