she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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