I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you didnt know i had herpes?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
