On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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