Soap is not a condiment
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
my shit smells like andre
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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