Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
