I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize