hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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