o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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