She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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