Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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