There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
