Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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