I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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