Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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