I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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