I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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