my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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