all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
