And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize