420 ftw
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
