I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
