eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize