Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
