All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
