eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
